Hear Me Speak

Have you ever read the book Speak? By Laurie Halse?

I'm like the protagonist.


(No, I was not date-rapped. . .)

But, I have some things to say. Some important things. But, I am unable to speak it, as the protagonist is.


Actually, I'm at danger because of these things I have to say, because the words are just gathering up in my mouth, making it full. Soon, it will overload, my mouth will explode, and out of my mouth these words will come. These words are meant for someone in particular, but even if anyone hears them, it is still dangerous. Though, my close friends reading this can only guess, it is still not what they expect, because these are not words of a bottled up love.


These are words of a burning hate.


Am I capable of hate? I bet you didn't know. Neither did I. But, this burning feeling, the shrinking of my heart, the clenching of my fists, and the nails digging into my palm are substantial proof of my hate. I hate this person. But, I hate this person even more for making me feel this hate. I hate to hate.
But, I hate to hate to hate b/c this person deserves my hate! (I hope you got that)

But, then again, hate never really solves anything, does it? Isn't it always forgiveness that brings light?

JFK's Self Doubts.

This is going to be a very political blog. Please excuse it if it is too boring. You'll get over it.

There have been recent discoveries of JFK tapes from 1960. It's not told when these tapes were found, but they were made three days after former president John Kennedy announced he was running for president. These tapes are about his doubts of winning and his worries of losing. In these tapes, he's heard saying that he does not like doing a politician's job, but in order for major change, presidency is where the change is at. He's quoted saying "The center of action, it's the presidency" in these tapes. However, he is also quoted saying "I'd rather read a book on the plane than talk to the fellow next to me" in regards to disliking what politicians do.

All in all, these tapes reveal self-doubt, yes. But they also reveal a level of confidence that is rarely seen. Here is a man who knew he may not have won the election, but he still chose to run for it and "go for the gold".

Woo! Wind! Wow! Wind! Woah! Wind! Woo-Cha!

The palm trees are crooked.

The branches are broken and splayed.

Leaves are scattered across the sidewalks.

Dust is gathered in hallways.

Wanna know why? Because it's WIIIIIIIIIIINDY!

Wind wind wind! I LOVE the wind. Yes, yes I know. Ooooh! The wind messes up my hair! Oooooh! The wind makes my lips chapped! Oooooh! The wind makes it too dusty to see! Bad wind, bad wind, bad wind No! Good wind! I LOVE the wind! I love walking, and having the wind pick up speed then blow from behind you making it feel as if you're flying. I love the wind blowing the collar of my coat around my neck. I love the wind swirling the leaves around, creating mini-tornadoes.

Wind and me are the two most passionate and dedicated lovers you will ever meet.

God.

God is in the rising sun.

God is in the falling fog.

God is in the dew on the grass.

God is in the cooling wind.

God is in laughter I hear.

God is in the white puffs of clouds.

God is in the vast blue sky.

God is in the roots of the trees.

God is in the green of the leaves.

God is in the shimmering lakes.

God is in the smooth of the rocks.

God is in the rolling waves.

God is in the grains of the sand.

God is in the warmth of the sun.

God is in the soft of my mother's hands.

God is in the comfort of my father's smile.

God is in the air between hugs.

God is in the pitter-patter of the rain.

God is in the fall of gravity.

God is in your hearts.

God is in my heart.

God is everywhere.

I can walk alone into the darkness of an empty alley and still feel protected.

I can be flying up in the sky and still know that I am on ground.

I can be doubled over with pain and still know that I am all right.

I can be empty and still be full.

In all of this is God. On the night of September 28, I remembered standing outside around 1 in the morning, and I saw fog falling from the sky. With all the lights illuminating the fog enveloping me, I had never felt so safe and comforted in my life. It made me painfully and peacefully aware of the fact that I am in God's hands, always have, and always will be. I found Him. And, I will hold on to Him until my fingers fall off and my heart stops beating.

I Am Because Of Those I Love.

I am a unique person. The colors I can paint are my own; even Da Vinci couldn't paint my picture. I've reached a high step on the stairs of my life. But, I needed a walker to get me there. In fact, I had 18 walkers help me up. With every step I took, each one of these 18 walkers gave a little piece of themselves to me. When these pieces are put together, I am created.

***
My Best Friends

Farihah: Gave me laughter

Fatima: Gave me wisdom.

Nida: Gave me change.

Hira: Gave me morals.

Zaynab B: Gave me beauty.

Dania: Gave me the right to act like myself without a care.

Ranim: Gave me humbleness.

Reem: Gave me forgiveness.

Shaden M: Gave me patience

Nesreen: Gave me strength.

Yusra: Gave me self-esteem.

***
My Best Friends/Cousins

Mehwish: Gave me obedience.

Wardah: Gave me religon.

Hajerah: Gave me wits.

***
My Family

Mummy (Mom): Gave me love.

Pappa (Dad): Gave me respect.

Talha (Younger Bro): Gave me responsibility.

Musaab (Younger Bro): Gave me hope.
***

I am more than grateful, so much more than grateful it sometimes hurts my heart, for these special people in my life. I still have not reached where the stairs are meant to lead me. I look ahead, and I see a countless number of steps waiting for me. I can only hope that with every step I will take, these people will be here to guide me. Even if the bonds of friendship won't last very long, or if I move away from my family, they have given me this little something of themselves that will always be with--no, not with, but a part of me forever and ever and ever.

I Didn't. You Did. But I Still Won't Tell.

This connection will sound childish. . .but have you watched that one episode of That's So Raven? Where there's a babysitter who returns for revenge from the kids who took advantage of her because she was such a pushover. She'd let them walk all over her by taking the blame for all sorts of things she didn't do.

I guess you can say I'm that babysitter. Minus the revenge.

I really do try to be a good, a better person. So why is it that the small things I do will pull on other people's nerves? I, for the life of me, cannot remember being deliberately rude to another person in recent times. I'm being completely honest. Yes, I have snapped at people what with PMSing and stress. But, I always always always apologize to them shortly afterward. I mean, I feel so horrible agonizing them for my troubles, wouldn't you?

Why then am I continuously the one causing trouble?

The question should be rephrased to Am I the one causing trouble? The answer would be: No, I am not.

It is the other (whoever it is, I'm not trying to pinpoint anybody, so if there's someone reading this that feels that this blog is about them, it's not. . . don't fret) that is. . .not causing trouble per say, but overreacting to my normal actions. I know that I'm not what you would call "normal", my actions are often against the norm. I'm weird. Yes, I know (and I don't care). But, can I be so out of the norm to the point where the other will start to get sick of me? Will start to point at minor, insignificant glitches as the source of the problem?

Yes, I suppose they will. I mean, if they're already doing it as I type this blog. . .

But, will I allow it?

If you remember, I'm the babysitter that let the kids eat the cake and take the heat for them. That means that I will allow it. I already am. Am I really that afraid to let the other know how it hurts being named the villain even when I'm trying so so so hard to be the hero? Won't you just let me wear the cape for once? Just let me fly. Let me soar into the clouds as soft as a mother's hands. Just let me and you'll see all my glitches will disappear. You won't have a reason anymore to walk all over me. I don't want to be the bad person anymore. I hate being remembered as the one who [made them cry] [made them mad] [disrupted this] [broke that]. I've already fixed that problem. I don't make anyone cry anymore, anyone mad (excessively mad) anymore, disrupt this, or brake that. So why, why am I still pinpointed as the person who does so? And why can the girl, who is so outspoken in so many other areas, who is known for being loud & opinionated, not speak up for herself? Why can I not speak and silence them forever? I don't want to be the person they always point at when one more cookie from the jar is stolen. Can you not comprehend that fact? Can you not understand that I didn't? I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

You did.

I Am Like An Onion -Shrek

I'm going to throw something hard on you guys: I'm not the person you think I am.

*Shocking*

No, seriously. I'm not.

I'm often described as:
- Funny

- Nice

- Annoying

- Helpful

- Obedient

- Argumentative (NOT opinionated, because apparently having opinions is good. . .)

- Straight-Forward (Or painfully honest. . .whichever epithet you prefer)

- Opinionated (NOT argumentative, because apparently arguing is bad. . .)

- Loud

- The "Can't Shut Up" Person

- Happy

- Good (Good in the sense of following my religion and rules)

- Humble


Here's what I really am:
- Dry in humor. I'm only "funny" because I'm hardly aware of the idiotic behavior I project. So, this doesn't make me funny (being laughed with), this makes me. . .someone that's being laughed at.

- I am NOT nice. At ALL. I am the most selfish, rude, manner-less, nonsensical, uneducated, doesn't-hold-doors-or-smiles-at-strangers creature on Earth. If you could read my mind. . .well, I'm the reason why the air is so thick.

- Yes. I am very annoying. I agree with you there one hundred and ten percent. There's nothing you nor I can do to change that. In fact, my nuisance of a behavior has been misinterpreted as being snappy or rude. It's caused trouble.

- I will not say that I am not helpful. I can be of help with your homework, with you're mother's kitchen work, with you're neighbor's lawn. But, those are not actions of the heart. They're more out of obligation and what others will make of them. Lament's terms: I do it to impress people. Which is often seen as "plastic behavior".

- Obedient? Am I really?? Yes, I will do as you say master. But, that's because often times when an adult asks me to do something, the only reason I say yes is because there are other people there and I don't want to cause a scene or because I just don't want confrontation by saying no. I cringe a little on the inside when asked to do something.

- Argumentative. Yes. I am. Very, very argumentative. Wanna know something though? I never, ever, ever say my side of the story. Why? I'm a pushover (you'll be reading about that later. It won't be pretty). I will not say that this is the other person's fault. Not because I care oh so much for your feelings. It's because, once again, the fear of confrontation dominates what comes out of my mouth.

- I will tell you if you have a booger hanging out of your nose, or if you have spinach stuck between your teeth. No, I don't give a crap about YOUR reputation as much as MY reputation. I mean, can I really be seen hanging with someone like that?

- Opinionated, often confused with argumentative. Not the same. Supposedly, people are amazed by others with opinions. But, they are pissed at people who argue. Which is why I state my opinions. I want to amaze people. (Hint hint, shallow)

- Loud. Ohhhhhh yes. I'm loud. I'm louder than the bullhorn your mom will bring to your graduation plus your dad's clappers. No, it's not natural. It's something I always think about before I do it. I'm only loud because I crave other people's attention. See, I told you I wasn't invisible.

- Make me shut up. I can't. It's against my rules to live. This goes back to being loud. I do it to make people look.

- Happy????? Am I really that good of an actress that I've convinced you that I'm happy? I'm not emo, no, so I won't rant about my oh so sad life and my desires to die. . .(which, I assure you, do not exist) But, really, I'm not happy. I have my past to regret, and I'm one to dwell. And doesn't your past make your present. . .which makes your future? All three of mine are screwed up, so I'm not happy. Plus, it seems everything I do triggers someone's nerves. . .so I'm losing friends left and right. Would YOU be happy with that?

- Good, good, good, bad. The one that doesn't fit is that only one that fits me. I may seem like I'm good, but you need to see my insides to understand my outsides. I have a hard time keeping up the. . .good. Usually, from my observations. . .good people are good naturally. It's the bad ones that have a hard time adjusting.

- Humble! Me?!! Nooooo. I love to bloat, to brag, to take pride. Look at me! Look at what I did, what you couldn't do! Look, look, look!


First and foremost, I'd like to congratulate you on making it this far into this blog. I would've expected you to become too disgusted by my true appearance to continue onward. You probably are disgusted, but apparently nowadays, disgusting things appeal to you y'uns. I would seriously like to make it clear that I am not typying up this blog to bash myself for your pity, or for my pleasure. . .I'm doing it because after the month of Ramadan (basically the month of spiritual cleansing), I've come up with one simple resolution: to change. It took me three years to change my outer appearance and to make myself seem "good" to others (you'd have to have gone to middle school with me in order to understand what I've just said). Now, I want to make it count by changing the reasons behind it. I want to actually be humble for the sake of being humble. I want to actually be good for the sake of being good. I want to actually be nice, funny, helpful, obedient, loud and everything else for the sake of it. I want to shed this scaly skin, and slip into one more smooth, more moisturized.

I will change.

Much Appreciated.

Thanks Zack for helping me out with my blog template crisis. I don't what fixed it, but it's fixed and I'm happy.

=]