I Didn't. You Did. But I Still Won't Tell.

This connection will sound childish. . .but have you watched that one episode of That's So Raven? Where there's a babysitter who returns for revenge from the kids who took advantage of her because she was such a pushover. She'd let them walk all over her by taking the blame for all sorts of things she didn't do.

I guess you can say I'm that babysitter. Minus the revenge.

I really do try to be a good, a better person. So why is it that the small things I do will pull on other people's nerves? I, for the life of me, cannot remember being deliberately rude to another person in recent times. I'm being completely honest. Yes, I have snapped at people what with PMSing and stress. But, I always always always apologize to them shortly afterward. I mean, I feel so horrible agonizing them for my troubles, wouldn't you?

Why then am I continuously the one causing trouble?

The question should be rephrased to Am I the one causing trouble? The answer would be: No, I am not.

It is the other (whoever it is, I'm not trying to pinpoint anybody, so if there's someone reading this that feels that this blog is about them, it's not. . . don't fret) that is. . .not causing trouble per say, but overreacting to my normal actions. I know that I'm not what you would call "normal", my actions are often against the norm. I'm weird. Yes, I know (and I don't care). But, can I be so out of the norm to the point where the other will start to get sick of me? Will start to point at minor, insignificant glitches as the source of the problem?

Yes, I suppose they will. I mean, if they're already doing it as I type this blog. . .

But, will I allow it?

If you remember, I'm the babysitter that let the kids eat the cake and take the heat for them. That means that I will allow it. I already am. Am I really that afraid to let the other know how it hurts being named the villain even when I'm trying so so so hard to be the hero? Won't you just let me wear the cape for once? Just let me fly. Let me soar into the clouds as soft as a mother's hands. Just let me and you'll see all my glitches will disappear. You won't have a reason anymore to walk all over me. I don't want to be the bad person anymore. I hate being remembered as the one who [made them cry] [made them mad] [disrupted this] [broke that]. I've already fixed that problem. I don't make anyone cry anymore, anyone mad (excessively mad) anymore, disrupt this, or brake that. So why, why am I still pinpointed as the person who does so? And why can the girl, who is so outspoken in so many other areas, who is known for being loud & opinionated, not speak up for herself? Why can I not speak and silence them forever? I don't want to be the person they always point at when one more cookie from the jar is stolen. Can you not comprehend that fact? Can you not understand that I didn't? I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

You did.